June Fourth

I am off today… and it has been raining all day… all three boys have been on video games all day… girlfriend is over now and son1 is getting ready to go out to see Bridesmaids and dinner… I have lasagna in the oven for me, hubby and son2 and son3… now to decide what we will watch tonight…

Hubby and I took a ride to his new job to pick up his paycheck… then we stopped at the Sears near there to check on their shoe department as they also have a visit this week… they are so tiny though compared to my store… I’m sure they will be ready as I only saw a couple of things that needed fixing and they still have four days in which to do it… hubby found another dress shirt while we were there…

Then we stopped at my store… hubby understands what I mean now when I say the customers just leave the shoes all over the floor and don’t put anything away… I only have three days til the visit and we have A LOT to fix… and hubby found a dress shirt while we were there too…

My attitude has changed once again however and I am enjoying my day off…

Friday night I tried very hard to get things done in shoes but everything that could go wrong or take me away did… my full timer called out in the day… and one of my closers called out at night… the computers were freezing up and it took forever to print my reports and schedule… I was manager on duty from 3-6 and was called all over the store… After dinner I tried helping the closer in shoes clean up but I had to do store closing duties and had problems with one duty that caused me to get behind in that the store was closed and I wasn’t done yet… then I was going to help my shoe associate again as we stay an hour after closing and we usually get done with procedures a half hour before we leave but I was stuck as another department took until the last minute to turn in their department so it was time to go home… So I have heard God loud and clear that I am not in control, He is and I can only do my best… We have three days and all my associates are constantly working between helping customers and cleaning… plus old supervisor is helping for two days… I just want it to be over! and I don’t want him to come back for months so we can get on a routine and get things done…

Hubby’s work was so nice and clean… where is hubby…. Oh, he’s playing video games too now…

The kittens are still so cute… my distraction from work when I get home… Holly is still so mad… I don’t think she is ever going to like the kittens… she hisses at them and at us… she chases them down and swats at them and swats at us… I try to pick her up but afraid she is going to rip out my throat in one swipe of her paw… she sits off to the side of everyone and growls very quietly… or goes outside or just stays in the garage…

Still an hour til the lasagna will be done… and I am snacking… let me go see what needs doing around the house besides Frontierville on Facebook…

On this day, God wants you to know

... that sometimes it may feel too hard to do it alone. Sometimes it may seem like you can't figure it out by yourself. Sometimes will and strength and courage are not enough. Sometimes in your life you will need to call out for help. Call on God. God will be there.

Happy Journaling…

June Third

I continue to freak out over this visit… I don’t like it… I want to be calm and in control… I am starting to shut down… I want to go on with business as usual… he said some very negative things when he came for the training and these thoughts are making us doubt ourselves in everything we do… I lost another associate yesterday… two more will leave probably after the visit… nothing negative, just moving on to other jobs or positions… so many changes though in such a short time… my job is to keep the department motivated and positive… it has only been two months since I took the position… and I am just now getting frustrated with the position… and if we weren’t having a visit would I still be happy and enjoying it…

One of the concerns when I was given the position was that I couldn’t change my mind… I did that ten years or so ago and only lasted a week in the management position and backed out… the reason was no direction or involvement from management… everyone is so paranoid and just out for themselves it seems… and now I am seeing they still are… they all complain about no teamwork and yet they don’t communicate with each other… I do have a boss who is supposed to be involved in this visit but all she asks me is what’s the plan and doesn’t wait for an answer… when she interviewed me she made it clear that it was my department and that I was to run it and I would not get direction from her… I knew that… and yet I have no one I can confide in at work or vent on… I’m trying not to do either with the team as I don’t want to worry them… I’m there so they can vent and confide in me… the store manager says he has an open door and yet if you complain he says it sucks to be you… which translates to this is your job, quit whining and get to work… step up and take care of it… I understand that… and also if you don’t hear from management it’s cause you haven’t done anything wrong… no news is good news… so guess I must be doing something right…

And yet it feels so junior high… as you can’t say anything even teasing to fellow leads as they are so defensive, paranoid and looking out for themselves… I mentioned something to a fellow lead yesterday and of course she blamed someone else when I wasn’t telling her to ask my permission for what had been done but just to give me a heads up… but she got so defensive to my teasing it just hurt my feelings and I dropped it… to the point that I don’t want to talk to any of them either now… if I do something wrong I’m sure they will all be the first to throw me under the bus and I’ll just learn from my mistakes not because they want to help a fellow co worker…

I keep telling myself we won’t fail as we passed last year and we didn’t do anything extra as the supervisor didn’t really give us any direction nor was she there as she had manager duties to do… actually we are slowly pulling everything back together after the Memorial weekend… but there’s still the problem of everything I did as an associate then that the other associates still haven’t picked up on… but then fine I will get no on my old areas and have them do what they have always done… at least I am learning what everyone is capable of and what is expected of us… which isn’t that what the whole training is for anyway… and it’s only been two months so can I still play the new card… there is an online test to take after the certification on the 13th… the first day of my vacation, hmmmm guess I will be going into work for a bit…

Mostly I just don’t like how all this is making me feel… I can’t relax… I’m not getting anything done at home… I’m snapping at the family… Feel like the work team is pulling apart, especially with losing four associates, then pulling together… I feel like such a failure… and we haven’t even failed yet… I know all the motivating things to say to myself and yet I can’t shake this awful feeling… and most of all I know that God is in control… and my work for 2011 is TRUST… I want to put a smile on my face and go to work and enjoy each day… I read something yesterday that said, we already know what is wrong, we need to look at what is right… I need to have a good cry but the tears won’t come… I’m hoping by writing this all out, I can move on….

I am off tomorrow… Then Sunday-Tuesday continue to get ready… Then Wednesday morning at 9am he will be there… Then by 1pm he will be on his way to the next store… and life hopefully will go back to normal… but since this is part of life why can’t it be normal now…

I close tonight and will be manager on duty…

All this stress is making me fat again…

I’m off to get ready for work…

On this day, God wants you to know

... that we all need the validation of love to feel safe, secure, and at home in this world. Don't withhold your love and appreciation. Love abundantly.

On this day, God wants you to know

... that there are only two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is. Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle.

Happy Journaling…

June First Evening…

Guess who walked in the door at noon today… hubby… the computers were not working so he could not do his training… so he worked on the home computer making flyers/coupons and got paid for the rest of his day… of course I was not expecting him til 2:30… so I did not get my whole four hours of alone time even if he was closed in the computer room… he is now back from the bank and getting gas… I picked up son3 and no homework, yay, thinking no more for the rest of the year… son2 is home and making dinner but needing help as he doesn’t know where anything is in the kitchen… so who’s making dinner… son1 has come home from work, showered and is off to get dinner with friends… we teased that he just doesn’t want to eat son2’s cooking… and son2 who never gives me anything until the last minute made sure to give me his senior class photos information sheet… I understand they must be done during the summer but school hasn’t even ended yet… tell me next week… after the visit… I’m grumpy…

I did do all the laundry today… just need to put it away… and cleaned the boy’s bathroom… emptied the litter box… filled the birdfeeders… watered the plants… vacuumed… ran the dishwasher… cleaned out the magazines, all caught up to June now… wrote up my entries for The Motivation Station for tomorrow and next week… played Fronteirville and My Zoo… and watched Emergency…

When I first started my new position there was a contest that we didn’t win for the department category but I won for the lead category… so I won a $100 gift card… I didn’t do anything really and it was more of a drawing but for the whole region only 8 of us won… I finally spent it last week or so… I ordered everything online as it was Super Saturday so an extra 10% off, plus free shipping if you spend over $99 and add my employee discount… I got hubby a dress shirt for work, son2 a Buffy The Vampire Slayer graphic novel, two bath mats for the boy’s bathroom, me a shirt, denim capri and all the books above… I actually didn’t get the capri as they were out of stock and I gave the shirt to girlfriend as it was pink, not purple and very see through… she likes to layer with tees and tanks so she will be able to wear it more than me and she loves pink…

The books are:

The Knitting Diaries; Debbie Macomber

The Summoning; Bentley Little

The Ignored; Bentley Little

Death Instinct; Bentley Little

The Disappearance; Bentley Little

Key of Light; Nora Roberts

Key of Knowledge; Nora Roberts

Key of Valor; Nora Roberts

Blue Dahlia; Nora Roberts

Black Rose; Nora Roberts

Red Lily; Nora Roberts

These are the bathmats for the boy’s bathroom… I’m waiting a bit til the kittens are no longer in that bathroom as they are making a big mess in there during the night…

And here are the kittens getting so big… at just three months old… That is Maple… she is son2’s kitten but she has bonded more with me… she sees me and comes running, meowing all the way…

And this is Indy… she is so laid back she is like butter, melting right into the floor with her kangaroo feet…

They are both motor boats with their purring…

Asleep sitting up…

The Green Hornet and The Dilemma came from Netflix today… We watched Tangled again last night and then sent it back today…

I had a headache, it is finally going away… I have just been snacking all day, haven’t really sat down and had a meal of sorts… son2 is making chicken and rice so that will be good… I am feeling tired again this afternoon… today was supposed to be a recharging day so I would be raring to go at work tomorrow… everyone to bed on time tonight… we have all been staying up til after 11pm… and then I am automatically awake at 6am… even on my day off…

Holly is still mad at the kittens and Danny is starting to tolerate them a bit as long as they don’t hiss at him…

Remember last year when I was growing seeds in egg cartons but they didn’t make it so I threw everything into the yard just in case… well they didn’t come up but I guess I also had thrown something out from Easter or some time as these came up and finally bloomed this week…

Son2 is about half way done with making the chicken so better start getting other things ready so we can eat…

Happy Journaling…

June First…

My Day Off… The boys are off to school and work… Hubby is off to work… I have worked the last six days and now to get caught up around the house… And write a nice long entry to clear my head… I laugh though cause once I have the house to myself and peace and quiet to write, I find I rather be up and about getting things done with no one in my way… and then when everyone is home I sit on the computer but have too many interruptions to write out an entry… so my poor blog gets ignored…

The biggest thing on my mind at the moment is my certification at work next week… Hours are very scarce at the moment and even on a good day it is hard to have everything clean and perfect… and we just came off of a holiday weekend so everything was tore up on top of our already being behind… at the beginning of last month we used a 100 extra hours just to get ready for the training meeting which in his words after seeing the department were he was embarrassed to have our store host the meeting… when in fact we did look very good just not perfect… and of course last week we had to pay the hours back so were way under staffed and then the holiday weekend and this week at regular hours… so we are working very hard these four days but then the weekend again… so my team is a little down hearted… they want so much to succeed but knowing it will take a miracle… we have 54 questions on our certification and can only miss 5, getting a 90%… we are able to miss more than we did last year but last year he gave us a chance to fix things during the certification and this year he is not giving that option… and no one has actually said what happens if you don’t pass… we thought we had heard he would come back again in two weeks… maybe he will take pity as I am still new, at least in his mind as a lead… however I have been in shoes seven years, I know what is expected…

Of course on top of getting ready for the visit I am still doing all my new manager duties and my old shoe duties of opening boxes and locating stockroom, so I am stretched a bit thin at the moment and could snap at any second, if I wasn’t so tired… I’m not finding much time to open boxes, locate and help get the floor ready as I am at meetings, on the computer doing reports, making schedules, manager on duty, closing the store………… Which I don’t feel I am giving my all to my manager duties as my mind is on the visit…

Then this week the manager schedule came out for the month and it had me switched to close this Friday instead of Thursday as someone took a vacation day and switched with me without asking… Very bad communication between management at our store… so luckily I saw it and switched my schedule as I would have come in to close tomorrow and then had to close again on Friday…

Plus I had a full time associate quit without notice… which the other associates will pick up the hours but then they also have to cover the duties of that person… and I have two new people still learning the processes… and another two who may be leaving after the visit… and do you know I have been only doing this job for two months… so all of us are still adjusting to the changes… and I have lost my enthusiasm and I don’t like it… I knew all of this going into the job and I knew what I had to deal with… especially the drama with all the managers… I just feel like I was set up to fail from the start… and I was told I couldn’t change my mind and I don’t plan to… but I sure miss my old job right now… lol…. or probably just the comfort zone of it as I am still doing my old job, I just can’t enjoy it and my new job with all this pressure of the visit hanging over my head… but of course I knew that going in too… but man this will be the third time he is visiting me since I started in just two months… of course we probably won’t see him again til Christmas and then again next summer when we have to be recertified all over again… 

I want my one day at a time attitude and positive attitude back again… I took this position on my faith in God and knowing that he will be walking with me the whole time… why was it so much easier to trust him with finding hubby a job which he did after nine months… I want to have the same trust in that we will pass next week and not to worry but enjoy each day… I want to lift up my team not bring in negative vibes… I am not even excited about hubby’s new job as I am so worried about this visit… I lost it with him on Saturday as I was so stressed but he is used to it and just let me vent on him… of course I was saying negative things about his new job… but think I was just feeling a bit jealous as he only worked four hours on Wednesday, two hours on Thursday and had a four day weekend… as his new boss is out for surgery for the next six weeks… he works twenty hours a week and was back to work yesterday and today… but since he works 10-2 and has weekends off it still seems like he is still out of work as he is always home when I am, lol…. except for Wednesday which is my day off… but not next week as that is the day of the visit, so I had to rearrange my whole week… to work on Sunday even though it is my weekend off and work on Wednesday… but I am then off Friday and Saturday… but then have to work on Sunday which is my bday but it is my weekend to work… and then I am on vacation starting the 13th… but what if we don’t pass, will he be back and then will I have to cancel my vacation… I’m thinking no as we don’t have any hours, so my team can use my hours to get ready again as I am always off doing manager stuff and not very helpful anyway….

I think the biggest thing is no matter what he says on the certification we will still be here after he leaves still doing our jobs as we are not going to get fired or anything… just human nature not to want to fail but shine… be better than the rest… not to mention that  upper management doesn’t even respect the guy that is coming so they won’t even care what he says… of course I am sure if we don’t pass they will not agree with him but yet have to deal with it anyway as he reports to their bosses… so I’m stuck between doing what is right to get ready for the visit and answer to the bosses who are in the store and do what they need me to do too… and everyone thinks that everything is getting done every day when there are not enough hours in the week to get everything done that needs to be done every day… but then everyone was fine with my old supervisor when she was running it and I didn’t really see her do anything in the department as she was always off doing manager duties… but then of course she had me working in the department when she wasn’t there… I Don’t Have ME……. Deep Breath……

I was going to continue this entry throughout the day but it has become very long already just talking about work… so maybe several entries throughout the day…

On this day, God wants you to know

... that your unspoken prayers will be answered. Yes, God knows you, God hears you, God loves you, God is there for you. You are blessed.

On this day, God wants you to know

... that today is a whole day for you to do good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a whole day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; and in its place will be something that you had left behind... let it be something good.

On this day, God wants you to know

... that God sees you as you truly are, - a holy child of light: I see you strong and whole. I see you blessed and prospered. I see you courageous and confident. I see you capable and successful. I see you free from all limitations or bondage of any kind. I see you as the spiritually perfect being you truly are.

On this day, God wants you to know

... that when whispers do not get your attention, bricks will fly your way. Don't speed through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention. Slow down and be present.

On this day, God wants you to know

... that when you do the right thing, it will feel good in your body. Your body never lies. When you feel stress in your body, something is out of balance in your life. Restore the balance, and your body and spirit will reflect the rightness of your choice.

Happy Journaling…