June Third

I continue to freak out over this visit… I don’t like it… I want to be calm and in control… I am starting to shut down… I want to go on with business as usual… he said some very negative things when he came for the training and these thoughts are making us doubt ourselves in everything we do… I lost another associate yesterday… two more will leave probably after the visit… nothing negative, just moving on to other jobs or positions… so many changes though in such a short time… my job is to keep the department motivated and positive… it has only been two months since I took the position… and I am just now getting frustrated with the position… and if we weren’t having a visit would I still be happy and enjoying it…

One of the concerns when I was given the position was that I couldn’t change my mind… I did that ten years or so ago and only lasted a week in the management position and backed out… the reason was no direction or involvement from management… everyone is so paranoid and just out for themselves it seems… and now I am seeing they still are… they all complain about no teamwork and yet they don’t communicate with each other… I do have a boss who is supposed to be involved in this visit but all she asks me is what’s the plan and doesn’t wait for an answer… when she interviewed me she made it clear that it was my department and that I was to run it and I would not get direction from her… I knew that… and yet I have no one I can confide in at work or vent on… I’m trying not to do either with the team as I don’t want to worry them… I’m there so they can vent and confide in me… the store manager says he has an open door and yet if you complain he says it sucks to be you… which translates to this is your job, quit whining and get to work… step up and take care of it… I understand that… and also if you don’t hear from management it’s cause you haven’t done anything wrong… no news is good news… so guess I must be doing something right…

And yet it feels so junior high… as you can’t say anything even teasing to fellow leads as they are so defensive, paranoid and looking out for themselves… I mentioned something to a fellow lead yesterday and of course she blamed someone else when I wasn’t telling her to ask my permission for what had been done but just to give me a heads up… but she got so defensive to my teasing it just hurt my feelings and I dropped it… to the point that I don’t want to talk to any of them either now… if I do something wrong I’m sure they will all be the first to throw me under the bus and I’ll just learn from my mistakes not because they want to help a fellow co worker…

I keep telling myself we won’t fail as we passed last year and we didn’t do anything extra as the supervisor didn’t really give us any direction nor was she there as she had manager duties to do… actually we are slowly pulling everything back together after the Memorial weekend… but there’s still the problem of everything I did as an associate then that the other associates still haven’t picked up on… but then fine I will get no on my old areas and have them do what they have always done… at least I am learning what everyone is capable of and what is expected of us… which isn’t that what the whole training is for anyway… and it’s only been two months so can I still play the new card… there is an online test to take after the certification on the 13th… the first day of my vacation, hmmmm guess I will be going into work for a bit…

Mostly I just don’t like how all this is making me feel… I can’t relax… I’m not getting anything done at home… I’m snapping at the family… Feel like the work team is pulling apart, especially with losing four associates, then pulling together… I feel like such a failure… and we haven’t even failed yet… I know all the motivating things to say to myself and yet I can’t shake this awful feeling… and most of all I know that God is in control… and my work for 2011 is TRUST… I want to put a smile on my face and go to work and enjoy each day… I read something yesterday that said, we already know what is wrong, we need to look at what is right… I need to have a good cry but the tears won’t come… I’m hoping by writing this all out, I can move on….

I am off tomorrow… Then Sunday-Tuesday continue to get ready… Then Wednesday morning at 9am he will be there… Then by 1pm he will be on his way to the next store… and life hopefully will go back to normal… but since this is part of life why can’t it be normal now…

I close tonight and will be manager on duty…

All this stress is making me fat again…

I’m off to get ready for work…

On this day, God wants you to know

... that we all need the validation of love to feel safe, secure, and at home in this world. Don't withhold your love and appreciation. Love abundantly.

On this day, God wants you to know

... that there are only two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is. Don't wait for miracles, your whole life is a miracle.

Happy Journaling…