September Seventh

Nothing on TV and no one can decide on a movie… Hubby is watching some nature show and the boys are showering and getting ready for school… Our water heater has decided to start leaking so we will probably be ordering a new one from Sears in another day or two…
Lots and lots going on here… Hard to put it all into words… So many emotions and I don’t even know what thought to settle on and deal with first…

Son3 is no longer playing football… he hurt his arm in a tackle in practice and it kinda shook him up so that he wouldn’t play in the first game and then told the coach he was quitting… the coach was very nice and told him to try again but son3 was sure so the coach told him he could try again next year… So now he is wanting to join choir but it is the entire year and during class… I think he would be good at it but so far he can’t tell me one reason why he wants to do it or what he thinks it will be like… so I’m thinking no for now… he’s mad at me…
Son2 has his list for everything that needs to be done for senior year… first thing done, Senior pictures today…
Son1 continues to plan for his future… he and girlfriend/fiancé just celebrated their two year anniversary… fiancé should be starting school soon… she finally got a payment plan of $500 a month instead of $1500 a month for cosmetology school… so two years of school for her plan… and she is working full time… son1 is still working full time too… all of his previous plans of finding a career are null… except for work helping him get his truck driving license… and the neighbor said he would let him know if any union/journeyman jobs became available… and he has decided to sell his Jeep to acquire the down payment needed for the 2011 Ford truck he just bought on Labor Day… payments for the next six years… he did mention to us that the Jeep was using $100 of gas a week and that he wanted to buy something for around $5000-$7000… but since he gets a discount from work and the car lot approved his loan guess he got caught up in the moment… and this is his idea of planning for the future… hope he still thinks that over the next six years as he is still making payments… meanwhile he still as other bills to pay off and the engagement ring he added recently… all while still living in my front living room… I’m mad as to how he thinks this is ok… I haven’t looked at the new truck nor am I barely speaking to him to show my disappointment not that he can see past his nose that I’m upset as someone told me recently… 

Two weeks ago we found hubby has prostate cancer… as he has been monitored for several years now, they caught it early enough… but he still has it… I cried for twenty four hours off and on still going into work for half my shift as I was the closing manager… We went to talk to the doctor a week ago to discuss the next step we thought… but the doctor just wanted to make sure we read the book he recommended and to answer any questions and confirm the diagnosis he had already told us… I was very frustrated with the talk… We had already decided on surgery but he made it sound as if we were rushing into it too quickly and we had choices and decisions to make… he also told us to get a second opinion which was really at the same hospital in a different city two hours away because they did the robotic surgery that we don’t have here… so now we are home for two weeks to have more time to work through emotions, ya think, and decide for sure that we want the surgery… hubby has always known that he would want the surgery as his dad passed away from prostate cancer because he did not have the surgery… so the doctor and I had words…  I told hubby he needs to talk to the doctor without me, told him the doctor would not like me coming along, and make sure he likes him enough to treat him… so a week into our two week wait hubby is going to email the doctor some questions to help him make his decision… I think I have moved to the anger phase now…

i called out of work yesterday as I had a bit of an outburst as I was trying to get ready for work, even made it to the car but hubby directed me back in the house as I was in no condition to go to work in my mood of rage… With hubby's diagnosis it has just magnified everything else for me… and I was so angry about what son1 did… especially with worrying about our own finances with hubby still working part time and no benefits for the six weeks he will be recovering from his surgery… his new boss is sympathetic of his situation as her husband was also diagnosed with prostate cancer however in the past week or so they are getting divorced for other reasons… I am trying to take my work one day at a time… we survived back to school and are still recovering… Lots of people at work are having bad news lately too… such crazy times right now… and I tend to worry about others too and try to think how lucky we are and then at the same time I feel selfish thinking I want special treatment for my troubles right now too… never time to just stop and deal, days keep going, life keeps going on…
Hubby put in a Star Trek movie: First Contact… Son2 has already gone to sleep and son3 is calling to tuck him in… Hopefully I’ll take more time to work through my thoughts and emotions in my blog now…
On this day, God wants you to know
... that God doesn't want your obedience, God wants your love. Servants give obedience, children give love. You are a child of God.
Happy Journaling…