I couldn't resist... caution may offend...

Twas the Night Before Christmas Cullen Style

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Shire,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a vampire.

The mountain lions were chained to the chimney with care,

In hopes, in the morning, they would still be there.

*

The vampires were canoodling, all romped in their beds,

While visions of reindeer danced in Alice’s head.

And Esme in her lingerie, and I in my sweater vest,

Had just settled down for an evening of 'rest'.

*

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang to a crouch to see what was the matter.

Away to the front yard I flew in such a mad dash,

I tore my pant bottoms at the back of my ass.

*

The moon from my backside felt the fresh falling snow

Gave an interesting peepshow for my family to bestow.

When, what to my golden eyes should appear,

But Emmet, my son, with eight tiny reindeer.

*

My mind reeled with concerns so I calmly inquired,

“Aren’t reindeer endangered? How were they acquired?”

“They were at the petting zoo, when I whistled they came,”

Emmet smiled, then shouted, and called them by name!

*

“The girls can have Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen!

Us men will take Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen!

They are plump from overfeeding and smell really yummy,

They will sustain us til’ morning by filling our tummy!”

*

I pondered if we should return the stolen reindeer.

If we killed them we might feel guilty all year.

After all, they were someone’s beloved pets,

If people found out there might be some threats!

*

And then, in a twinkling, I heard from behind me,

The tiptoe and sashay of my little pixie.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Alice leaped into my arms with one fluid bound.

*

She was dressed in fur, from her head to her toes,

She pouted her lip, giggled, and kissed my nose.

My vote to suck reindeer was dramatically swaying,

I sighed and waved my hand to allow for the slaying.

*

Emmet’s eyes twinkled with joy. His dimples were merry!

Then the blood bath came like a scene out of ‘Carrie’!

The moonlight shone upon us, my children's teeth aglow,

As blood dripped from their chins down into the snow.

*

The stump of leg was held tight in Jasper’s teeth,

Steam pooled from the carcass around his head like a wreath.

Edward pointed his finger and grinned mischievously.

He shook when he laughed, his voice filled with glee!

*

“All done!” Alice sang like a jolly little elf,

I chuckled when I saw this, in spite of myself!

With a roll of her eyes and a twist of her head,

Rosalie was finished her meal and Vixen was dead!

*

We all spoke not a word, but went straight to work,

Cleaning up the bodies and Edward gave a smirk.

Picking up a clump of snow and tapping his nose,

He gave a quick nod, and threw it at Rose!

*

He sprang to his feet, to his brothers he did whistle,

And away he flew like a self-propelled missile.

I spoke as the game started and ran from the snow fight,

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

THE END

author unknown

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